Job Orientation

<Optional noise may include chatter, general crowd noise, and popcorn sound effects>

Well well well, looks like we got the newbie here, yeah?

Welcome aboard! Did management show you the punch in/punch out station and give you your employee number?

Good! Good. Sometimes they forget to do that. I don't have the means to fix that problem when they do. Well, you're with me today. Training should be pretty darn easy. 

Name's Cassidy. Pleasure to meet you. I've been here...well, too long, probably! [Light laugh]

Let's start over here in the usher folder. You'll find the schedule for all of the movies...what auditorium they're in, what time they start and end, and the movie name and age rating. Pretty useful chart! Most people write all over this thing, checking off the places they've already been.

I'm sure you can tell by the name and from your tour during orientation, but we've got 14 screens here. Usually two people can cover the whole building.

<Footsteps>

Yeah, really. I'd say most of the time there's never more than six or so people in a movie.

House one is one of our biggest screens. Sits about 300 people! We usually stick new or popular things in here. Fourteen is that fancy visual display one, and it seats 450. It's a lot!

<More footsteps>

Two and thirteen are also a bit bigger, around 200 each. Three through eleven are about 90, 95, but it slightly changes depending on which one it is.

<Stop walking for a moment>

Except for ten. Screen 10 is where we do screen rentals. Birthday parties, gaming, corporate events...it only holds 65, to fit the tables in there.

{Listener inquiry}

Oh yeah, people do that all the time. It's kind of crazy, actually...there's usually at least one or two a day. I guess the pricing on it is good enough for folks to justify it. One cheap birthday plan, I suppose...

If you're lucky, you can ask the management to show something in there for you privately after you've been here for like a month. Great way to catch up on anything you wanted to see but missed, or can't hop into the start time for. I managed to catch Sentimental Value last week because of this one!

With how some shifts here go, it's sometimes kind of impossible to actually see the stuff playing. You get tired of people asking if you've seen something and the answer is a resounding no.

<Further walking>

Restrooms on both sides here. You can block 'em off with those little yellow tape streams in the walls, if you need to. Between you and me, I would just advise you to ignore the women's restrooms as long as possible. I have no idea what goes on in there when we aren't looking, but they're always a total warzone if you go in to clean them.

Don't look at me like that. It's a consistent, observable trend. Ask literally any of the other ushers, they'll back me up on this.

[Quieter] Probably.

[Regular] There's supply closets in all four of them. Only the ones on that side have mops in them, though, so just keep that in mind. Make sure you use the ones that have a green head—those are for bathrooms only. Blue is for the screens and white is for the concession stand and box office at the end of the night.

<More walking>

Here at the end of the hallway is screen six and this big "employees only" door. Look at the handle here. Oh no, there's a code on the door, how ever will we get in??

<Opening of a door; there was no code>

Anyway, this is sort of our home base. Brooms and porters are hanging there on the wall, extra supplies are on the back, and this tiny table can be where you set your stuff. I usually like to sip on some white tea in the gaps between cleaning.

{Listener inquiry}

Porters are dustpans. Those words sort of get used interchangeably here. No idea why, though. Same with "screens" or "auditorium" or "house". They all just mean a room with a number on it. 

This question sounds kind of demeaning, but it is somewhat important...have you used a broom before, ever?

Great! You have mastered about 70% of the job.

{Pause}

I'm serious. There's not a whole lot else here to really concern yourself with. Mop up spills on the floor if it seems like its a slipping hazard or sticky, sure, but usually the floors stay pretty liquid free.

If you find trash...chuck it in the can. Sometimes when these get really full, it makes sense to just carry a bag with you in your hands and take it out back right away.

Otherwise...it's a sweeper's life for you. You'll want to get both on top of the chairs and underneath them. You should learn pretty quickly that people are unbelievable assholes and will cause messy disasters in ways you could not even comprehend.

Hey, at least the popcorn has a high contrast with the floor and fabric. It's pretty easy to see if you've missed a spot.

We're lucky to not have those awful big recliners yet, so it's all stadium seating. Besides the chairs, we are to ensure the staircases, lobby areas, and hallways are clean and clear, too. 

Oh yeah, those leather chairs are the worst. I have no idea why people are so brainwashed into liking them. I used to have to clean them at the last place I worked. Miserable experience, really.

{Listener mildly complains}

I'm telling you now, man, short of "they recline" they're pretty much just outright worse. They're impossible to actually clean—especially the stuff that falls in the seams of the chair or goes inside the mechanics, they're constantly powered with crazy high voltages at all times, and you lose like two thirds of your room's total capacity because of how big and bulky they get.

And they're expensive. Not even counting how much it is to power that many 24/7, I think each one of them new is like 12,000 bucks! That's almost as much as we will make here in a decade! [Laugh]

...Anyway...If you find lost belongings, take em to the management booth. They've got a lost and found bin there. The amount of stuff people leave behind here is nuts! Keys, phones, glasses, children...

If you find cash, I think we're technically supposed to return it. But...none of the cameras in here actually work anymore, and we're technically not responsible for lost belongings. So. You know.

{Pause}

If people fall asleep? Yeah, it happens. I'm honestly a bit surprised it doesn't happen more often. Just hit the big lights next to the door and make some noise. Don't touch 'em or nothing, though. If they're too out of it, call a manager or the security guard over to handle it.

Any other questions?

{Shouldn't we be cleaning?}

Oh no no no. We have a third guy here to clean today while we do our training. They've been taking care of everything. Admittedly...that guy is kinda weird. Calls themself the popcorn homunculus. Cleans like their life depends on it. Apparently back in the day, they used to be the best concessionist the place had ever seen! Nowadays...I'm not sure that'd be the case. Nothing to worry about, they're friendly and all. Just...really good at what they do. And are weird about it.

<Paper flipping>

Looks like we have a few minutes before the next movie gets out. It's that Glen Powell version of How to Make A Killing. I'm not sure if you're much of a film buff or not. Seems like people here are either super into movies or haven't seen one in three years. 

{Listener answer}

<Begin fade out. Can cut it off wherever you want, but it's meant to blabber away into nothing. Selfishly, this is how I do feel about these films>

Awesome. I actually managed to catch this one for once. It's okay. Powell does a decent job on acting here, but a lot of the other characters end up being kinda light in terms of depth. By no means are they acted poorly! They just don't have a lot of time to shine. It's a big step up from Running Man, though. I just don't think Powell works well when he's so angry all the time! Might have also just been because of Edgar Wright though, because I'm super not fond of the way he directs things. David Mackenzie would have been a much better pick to handle it! Anyway, Jessica Henwick is sort of the underrated wonder of How to Make A Killing, she does a great job in the role. It's great to see her in actual acting positions instead of just voices for television, y'know? Blood of Zeus is fine but it's just no Glass Onion. I hope this ends up being her big break, I've been hoping to see some fresh faces for awhile. Kinda like you newbie!

<If you're dying to keep going, keep going, but this makes a pretty solid end point>

You know what I'm stoked to see? Normal, starring Bob Odenkirk. Yeah yeah, chalk it up to Better Call Saul for it, but he's genuinely good in other roles too! I'm also interested how Brendan Fletcher is gonna work into this, given he mostly does horror roles. Small town dynamics are always a fun time, even if they tend to have to go over the top. I think it'll be a cute little action movie. Something fun to ease the soul. Who knows when it will come out though, with how often the good stuff gets delayed these days. I mean, they pushed Mickey 17 back like three months a few years ago! Don't even get me started with Beyond the Spiderverse. Y'know we probably need to actually go in and clean in there now. Perhaps that's what we should do...

END.