Back to the Old House

<Water running, then eventually filling a small cup/glass>

<A pill bottle is taken from the counter, and—after rattling some pills around—two are taken out and consumed with water>

<Put glass and pills down, sink off>

<Footsteps out of the restroom and into the bedroom. The listener crawls into bed with thick covers>

{Tangible, elongated pause}

<More footsteps from the hallway>

...Honey?

Oh, you're already home from work! I must not have heard you come in.

I was going to stay up a little bit longer tonight, but if it's okay with you I'd like to cuddle up next to you for a bit.

<Footsteps over to the bed; covers rustle>

Scooch over. You've been hogging more of the bed again!

<More covers rustle>

Mmm. That's more like it.

You're like a furnace as always, dear. Nice and toasty warm. Are you sure that you don't overheat under there?

I know what you've said in the past before. I just wanted to check again. You know how I worry like that...

I am still worried about you though. You seemed really upset when you came home today.

{Pause for listener answer}

Yes, you did. Please don't act like you weren't.

It's been happening a lot recently. You'll come home, you say nothing to me, you slump in here, and if we're lucky...you sleep for a little bit before you go back to work.

I know you don't like talking about your job. You've always wanted that to be your own separate world to the one outside...and...and I've respected that. I've really tried to not ask about it.

But something there is hurting you. It's causing you pain, isn't it.

Please...just this once, tell me what's wrong.

{Pause; nothing happens}

Holding it in isn't going to help, you know. I thought we went over that before.

Especially since you've stopped seeing your therapist.

Today doesn't need to be the day you are brave.

{Pause; listener answer}

I-...

Okay. Okay. I won't push it any further tonight. But you should still think about letting it out soon.

You're always so stressed about work. I'm just scared they're treating you badly, or that you're wearing yourself out again.

You need to give some time to yourself, too.

You've provided enough for our family this week. The cats are fed, the car has a full tank of gas, the yard is finally trimmed, the house is clean, and the bills are paid. You've done more than enough.

Spend some time with me, instead of worrying.

{Pause}

You...did you make a face at that?

{Pause; response}

No...? Okay...

[Dejectedly] Kinda seemed like you did.

{Long, tangible, awful pause}

Have I done something to upset you? I feel like you've been avoiding me-

<Listener turns over to not face speaker>

I-if I haven't...well...

Nevermind.

{Pause}

You're stressed out. I'm scared that it's wearing you out more than you'll ever admit to yourself.

That's always how you've been.

Even from the beginning. From the days of just being a manager at a movie theatre trying to pay for school to the prospective tech grad entering whatever it was you were doing. Something like digital payment processing, right? That was new then. Being on the forefront of technology must have had its own troubles.

And you got invested. I know it's because you cared about what you were doing, but you put so much into it.

[Softly] It was for me, wasn't it?

I was still working too, you know. We were well off for what we had. A railroad apartment wasn't the best, sure, but it was better than living in a studio or with your parents.

We had our home, honey...

I begged you to slow down. Stay in the moment with me. Soon to stay with us because of our daughter. It wasn't all just about giving us the world you know...we needed you to be in that world, too.

Thank you for listening to me. I think it brought you more peace than you recognize. The next six years weren't easy, sure, but I think you were much better at handling them because of it.

But now...you're drifting again. You're taking longer days than you need to be. You've stopped going to bowling and book club. You've...grown distant again.

I'm scared how that's going to impact you again. I'm scared how that's going to impact Gracie, too.

I know you won't tell me what's happened. I figure that it must cut deep.

You've given us a safe place to call home...please, let us be the same for you, now.

{Pause}

[Sigh, half tired and half wistful]

I remember something beautiful you once told me right before we got married.

Do you remember those long drives we used to go on? The one along 33 and the river's edge? We'd either be coming back from your parents' house or the stargazing mound. If it was still daylight out, you let me pick the music for the ride back. Once the sun was down, though, it was your turn to pick out tapes.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you stalled being out on purpose so you could choose stuff more often.

I know I always gave you a hard time about the stuff you'd pick, but deep down I really liked what you put on. It was quiet, mellow, and...it just reminded me of you. 

One of your favorites to put on was Hatful of Hollow. The Smiths album? I bet we wore the tape out on it, with how many times that was played. I could never figure out what your conditions were to playing it. Something about the night just had to be right. Sacred, in a way. It was your quiet place, I think. The way it would ring out around us, and how you'd quietly hum along to the words when you thought I wasn't listening...

I've never felt like I had really reached the core of a person like that before.

That album always felt so sad to me. Something about constant heartbreak and the fear of isolation was just present there. I remember one night, though, as you were flipping to the back side...you said that it wasn't really a sad album. It was just a story of how a person breaks into pieces, and giving hope to put them back together in the future.

I think that really put a perspective of how we ought to live life. 

{Pause}

Honey...

[Quietly] You've got a lot of pieces around you now.

It's...

It's because I'm not really here, am I.

You'll wake up tomorrow, and I'll be gone again.

{Pause}

It's been a long two months, hasn't it...

It's not your fault, honey. It never was. 

I'm sorry I can't always be here to guide you now. It's your turn to pick up the pieces, both for you and for Gracie. You'll do such a good job, I just know it.

Nothing is ever half-assed with you. It's always 110% into everything. That's one of the things I always loved most about how you approached things. It's combative, it's totally reckless, and it's cheesy! But I'll be damned if anyone tried to stop you at something you've put your mind to.

So set your mind on the future. Please don't let what should or could have been with me hold you back from getting there.

{Pause}

...I'll miss you. I've loved you and will continue to do so. I know you miss me too.

Don't let that destroy who you've worked so hard to become. You promised me that it would never happen again.

Please try to get some sleep tonight. Your pills should start working here soon, anyway. I'll be right here with you for as long as I can be. I'll brush the tears from your eyes away as they fall.

{Pause; elongated}

Honey? My life was the best one I could have asked for. Thank you.

I love you so much.

<Fade out>

END.