Love Stays Outside These Walls

<Phone rings; let it ring a little while. Out of fear or distrust, the listener doesn't want to answer too quickly>

<Phone FX until indicated>

Took you long enough, Stelz. Hey, listen up. I wanna talk with ya in my office. Alone. Got that? Not a soul followin' ya. No electronics. Nothin' but you and the good gods' graces better waltz in here.

Yeah, I got a...uh, matter to discuss with ya. It's under tough wraps. You get the idea, right?

Hurry along now. I needed you here ten minutes ago.

<End phone FX>

{Fade out, in; transition to in-person appearance}

<Door knock>

Password.

{Pause}

Yeah, that'll do.

<Door unlocks, opens>

You're alone. Good on ya for listening to directions.

Nothing electronic? No watches, flashlights, pacemakers?

Fantastic. Get in here, we got things to discuss.

<Steps into the room>

Hope you're not scared of candles.

<Locks door>

You wanna drink or somethin'?

Whiskey, scotch, brandy, gin...

Gin with lemon. Well aren't you particular.

Lemons are for handling bad luck. Uh-huh. Well, I ain't gonna try to understand what all goes on up there. I won't cramp your Feng Shui or nothin'. Gotta preserve the world's limes for other things, I guess.

<Making drink effects; bottle pour, ice clatter, stirring>

Beeee-youtiful. A work of mediocre art. Hope it goes down well.

<Listener sits down, sips drink>

It's the good stuff, yeah? Silent Pool. It'll knock yer socks off, if you're not careful.

Anyway.

[Deep, deep sigh]

Stelz, you know how long I've served this family right?

Mhm. Twenty-seven long years. Three heads of house. Through thick 'n' thin, through war and through peace. I've been here the whole time.

Hell, short of Mr. Green, I probably have been around here the longest outta anybody.

Let's just say I'm heavily invested.

So I want it to be {stress each syllable} cr-yst-al clear that my loyalty to the Volpes has not changed or shifted when I say this. I'm not gonna leave over it, and I'm not...necessarily questioning the boss's judgment, but...

[Sigh] 

Fuck, Stelz, what the hell does she see in that guy?

You know exactly what guy I'm talkin' about. Little mister hummingbird or whatever she calls him. The love interest. The one she'll barely physically separate from.

{Pause}

Yeah, I know she's head over heels for the guy. I don't think anybody thinks that's up for debate. 

{Build some tension/stress}

I mean: what does she see in him? Like, what did this guy do to win her over. That woman is fucking terrifying Stelz, even for us. She'll nix anybody who even breathes wrong. She plays exclusively unfair and through deception. Her streak of violence outranks her father by a mile. She's doubled the net worth and scope of this family in three years and is set to do it again by the end of year five. They call her "The Buzzard" for hell's sake!

By all accounts, the boss has everything she could ever want or need. She's a joyless monster at her core. So how does some dude manage to sweep someone like that off her feet?

I-I-I mean like, think about it! Why do you think we're in the safest room on earth talking about this? No cameras, no microphones, no electricity. Nothing's able to be turned into some kind of recording or spy device. My office is the one place that needs absolute isolation from the world out there...no poking Feds or families are gonna know what's here, sure, but also I'm ensuring that the boss doesn't know what goes on here either. I'm not fully convinced she wouldn't try to listen in if it's about her chosen guy. 

For all she knows, this is all just about the...ugh, "big event" between the two.

{Cooling off}

Married, can you believe it? Guy's been around for what, two weeks? Hasty is an understatement.

So again, I'm asking. What does she see in that guy?

He's some backwater nobody, with barely enough influence over his own diet, let alone other people.

For the gods' sake, he's barely got a life together. Friendless and broke. Some run-down apartment outta the east side? A half-bit job on a quarter-bit wage? He's basically scraping by with his teeth every year to not starve to death.

[Sigh]

So how does The Buzzard find some kinda river-rat like him, let alone fall for the dude and make him a husband in a month?

I never thought she'd be very traditional with the family. You and I both know just how she is.

Maybe it'd be some business guy. Maybe it was some pretentious artist. Hell, I'd have been fine if it was another woman. But just some grime off the curb? Come on!

{Listener interjects, somewhat}

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. He's not a bad guy. I suppose I'll have to give you that much. Nice fella, honestly. Seems terrified to be here though. Think he's way in over his head?

{Listener response}

Not even sure he wanted into this? What, you sayin' the boss is blackmailing this guy into bein' a husband? That's a mighty step above crazy if I ever heard it. 

Might be onto something though. She had your guys following this dude like patient zero. Four men at all times, was it?

{Listener response}

Fuck, five? That's like a politician's sort of security. Might as well put him on a leash or something.

{Listener jokes}

Yeah yeah, no giving her ideas. Aren't you a riot.

{Pause}

Damn. Five personnel. That's gotta really cut into your staffing, though, right? I mean, you only have around twenty on permanent retention...

{Listener answer}

Mmm. Boss wants more hired. I guess that's not too unreasonable. We kind of needed more anyway. I'll have to budget the payrolls a bit thin, but I can at least give you two more.

At least, in a bit. Numbers are getting dicey. Unsurprisingly it's about that hummingbird again.

{Pause}

What? It's her name for the guy. Seems to have no problem with us using it. 

You know what the boss wants me to do?

{Pause}

She wants me to wipe the debts of this guy. So I get handed the bill of what I gotta get rid of, right? Well apparently, little mister lovebird is absolutely sacked with debt. It's honestly an impressive amount of debt. Came from his old man, from what I can tell. Three-hundred thousand. Thems a lotta big ones. I don't even know how a single guy can rack up that much.

I asked the other families a bit. Threw a little story together about some sob attempt to get free of it, y'know? Nobody had a clue who would have stuck that much on this poor bastard. None of the families have that kinda cash to loan out. We don't have that kinda cash to loan out. Talk about one of life's greatest mysteries.

[Sigh]

She asked me to fudge the numbers. My one exclusive job here is to fudge the numbers. I am going to fudge the numbers. But three hundred grand? In the span of like, a month? That's not really giving me a lot to work with.

Yeah, I've done it before! I've even done bigger before. I'm goddamn Zephyr Zanetti! If I can't make a big number vanish, then nobody else on earth can. Yet...in those cases, I generally have some advance warning about it.

{Strained} She wants me to find a way to acquire, jumble up and wash, and subsequently pay off 300K in a month like its some sort of game for toddlers. Do you have any idea how hard it is to move that kind of currency without people looking at ya all funny?

{Listener inquiry}

Yeah, I thought about sloshing around the wedding gifts already. Problem is she wants to announce that it's already been paid for at the ceremony. On top of paying for the ceremony. So now I gotta find a way to make it happen beforehand.

We might even have to cash in a few favors with people on this one. Really hoping not to.

{Pause}

Ugh. We have it pretty rough. You know who also has it goin' on pretty rough? Francesca.

Yeah, really! You try running PR on the boss picking up some fourth-rate nobody to be a husband, and keeping it out of the public eye. She's going to have to find a way to paint this dude like a saint or a tragic victim to out-weep all victims in order for any sort of respect to fall upon him. There's really not much to work with.

I swear, by the end of the year all that wonderful hair of hers is gonna be white.

[Sigh]

All this work. All this effort. We're tiptoe-ing around so many lines all to protect this guy, who does...nothing. Not a cent into the family. Not a connection to be gained. Not insight to be shared. I don't even think he really sees the light of day, most the time. [Under breath] Though maybe...not by choice.

Not only that, but tiny hummingbird's apparently the number two guy, now. Or at least, he will be. That was my place to be for years. You were probably number three, for that matter. Years of service! Gone like that. Craziness!

Risking our asses for some trophy husband. What a time to be alive.

Well Stelz, I ain't gonna keep ya late. You've probably got some big security to plan between the wedding and the visit with the Monstats. I've got enough work cut out for me. I need 50K to vanish by the end of tonight at least. Maybe we tweak our casino payouts.

<Stands up to leave>

Also...this goes without sayin', perhaps, but if so much as hide or hair of the conversation that took place in here is repeated outside of these walls...I will personally gut you like a fish. The stuff that goes on in this room stays locked up tighter than a peanut butter jar at a squirrel convention for a reason. 

To put it another way...you got guys in numbers. I got guys in quality. And my guys look an awful lot like your guys. You got that?

Good. Good! That's what I like to hear. 

{Awkward pause}

Oh and...one more thing.

While I have you here, and all that.

I've been dyin' to know for years. Why do they call you Stelz, anyway? Your last name's something like Harkwell, isn't it?

{Pause}

...Because you do a stellar job. Get the hell outta here, is that really why?

{Pause}

No shit. Well. I won't even argue that. You've done one bang-up job at running this place and keeping it safe for the last seven years. Here's to hoping another fourteen, ay?

Have a good night Stelz. Keep up the good work, buddy.

<Door closes>

END.