The Keyboard Warrior

<Two sets of footsteps>

We're almost at the rendezvous point. You've got everything you need in those bags, right? No coming back for awhile.

I-I-I'm just sort of, err, anxious. For you. And me. I haven't seen the boss in awhile, and I'm not sure they're quite over...last time we met.

You've really come a long way with your magic, though. Who knew you could do so much with surfaces like that. Giant walls of fire and ice will be a great asset too, given the boss'...well. I'm sure you'll find out.

Mhm. Yup yup yup. {Intentionally wrong order} Don't worry, though, I'll be sure to stick to glue like you while we're out there. Keep the heat off you a little bit, y'know?

I guess I'm being a little bit paranoid. The boss is nice most of the time. They just have it out for m-

You've left me waiting.

{Higher pitch, very unexpected} Heeeeeeeeeyy......

You know, we were just talking about you-

Vernon? Shut up.

[Wince]

You. You must be the Wallcaster. I've heard such spectacular things about you.

{Pause}

Urgh, quit cowering. I'm a nice person, I promise.

Seems Vernon over here has filled your head with grandiose stories and dramatic fears. He's got a terrible habit of doing that.

Whatever sick little lies he's spewed, they probably aren't true.

My name is Corbeau Rosevault. Pronounced Rose-vault. Commit this to memory. And don't call me boss. Your temporary mentor has this delusion that I can listen into his conversations whenever my name is uttered.

As of today, you're my newest agent. From here, myself and my team will be ensuring your education, employment, finances, and growth.

{Pause, listener contests}

I truthfully don't care what you want or how confident you are in yourself.

You have a specialized talent that nobody else has, and specifically one that is going to help me. And the fate of the world, or whatever, if that's more your fancy.

Look, I'm not sure if you've got too much movement in your brain, but you do see how this is sort of an unrefusable offer, right? Everything you wanted out of school, with experience in the field by an expert, and costs covered entirely by someone else.

Kind of a win. So I've just chosen to remove the choice portion and go right to the "get shit done" portion.

{Listener is not on board}

Look, if you want to whine and complain, whatever. Help me deal with this problem and I'll have Vernon smash the memory crystal like none of it ever happened. Feels like a complete waste. 

[Pointedly] You'll have endured him for a month for nothing.

[Quietly] What do you mean endured??

A sudden change of heart? Brilliant.

Look, don't take it personally. That much. You see, the headmaster of your school—Herschel—sends me little dossiers on the students that do independent study programs. A bit about you, your background, and what magic you are studying. Think of it as screening for potential hires.

Most of them over the years have been particularly boring. Modifications to existing spells like fire are boring. Studying wind magic. Boring. Studying chill touch. Boring. Studying illusion magic. Boring.

[Meekly] I still find those interesting...

Funny. I don't recall asking. I don't remember Wallcaster asking either. Maybe that horrible, bitter beverage you keep drinking has caused you to start hearing voices. Or maybe, Vernon, you stay out of the conversation. Your work here is finished.

Wait, what? I thought I was supposed to be going with you guys.

I haven't heard nearly enough "sorry"-s or received nearly enough projects completed on time to bring you out with us. For at least a century.

With any luck, Wallcaster here won't serve as your immediate replacement.

Understood. Forgivenesses! Apologies! Regards!

<Vernon scurries away>

Ah. Do you hear that?

{Pause, totally silent}

The harmonious tone of quiet, not ruined by the shrill tone of that mad professor.

[Wild tone shift] I'll be totally truthful—I don't actually hate him that much. I just figure he has given you an unnecessarily hard time like most other people he...delivers. Someone's got to put him in his place every so often.

He's a good man deep down. Really deep down. But you'd think that in a hundred thirty some years he'd learn basic human interaction.

[Deep, frustrated sigh]

I'll drop the scary act.

[Annoyed] I have no idea what he's told you. To recap, yes, I'm that Corbeau Rosevault. No, I'm not a literal bird, I just happen to have a sense of style. My cloak with feathers on it looks refined. Yes, I have practiced, witnessed, or written almost all magic in known existence. No, I don't torture people who tick me off.

Does that cover the history lesson? I hope so.

Look, I realize this probably isn't exactly how you wanted things to go. Most mages and casters don't really take this sort of thing well.

That said, you have a gift. One that nobody else does, and one that has an extremely strong ability to use creatively and powerfully.

Vernon did mention you can do some pretty interesting things in our correspondence.

That unique skillset is exactly what I need on my team right now. I'll fill you in during the meeting here in a moment. You help me get what I need done, and that little power you have goes from something you study at The Valentine's Club for a few years to something that gets discussed in classrooms around the continent for decades.

Pretty good deal, right? 

The rest of our team is inside. Grab your bag and let's get moving. Time is not on our side. Put a little pep in that step.

<Rustling of luggage being picked up; door opens>

<Footsteps into the new meeting area>

<Door close>

Sorry to keep you waiting. Vernon tried to get in. Again.

<Both stop walking>

This the new recruit I was referring to. They are known as the Wallcaster. By me. I came up with it. That's what'll probably stick with the greater society at large, anyway.

{Pause for listener interjection}

Or that. That is their actual name. Much less interesting in my books. You two can call them what you want, I'm sticking with the far superior "Wallcaster".

Don't bother trying to change their mind on what you're called. It doesn't work. Ever.

Well, Wallcaster, you've met our team's catty little vibrant bundle of joy. This is-

Nightshade. Call me Nightshade.

...Starling still has a little bit of an attitude we're working on adjusting. Made a little deal with her parents to give her some...real world conditioning. One hundred years of servitude will put this young, brilliant mind back on track.

<Grumbles>

[Smugly; Nefarious] You should ask her about the cat ears. Little mishap with her familiar, if can you believe it.

It was an accident! Give me a break!

Oh, never~

—Err, anyway. The lovely goat man before you is Zebadiah. He's all business, from that expensive suit to his behavior, but he also packs a magnificent bag of tricks. He finds ways to surprise me often.

[Flatly; Monotone] It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I'm glad the four of us get along so well! I'm sure this will be an excellent crew.

Let's get down to the roots of our trouble, shall we?

<Map unfurling; paper sounds>

This is a selected region of the north-eastern corner of the island nation of Sequa {Sek-wah}. It's mostly remote up there, as I'm sure you're all aware. Besides the resort cities of Vagrom and La Nara on the southern coast, it's fairly vacant as far as population is concerned. 

All the more concerning, then, that there's been significant magical energy decay radiating through the upper coast. It supposedly rivals the output of some of the mage's guilds here for scale. What's worse is that there is only one signature that can be found casting it.

This seems like someone just testing out some powerful form of spell in a place it cannot do harm. Why does this concern you?

Because it's leaving...damages.

The caster is new, unknown, and elusive. The investigation team Tempest has been trying to locate them and simply can't do it. For a government branch, they're pretty lousy.

What they have reported, however, is nothing short of bizarre.

Sections of beach just abruptly missing, as though they were cut out with a knife. Magic residue that fling objects and people far into the air. Sections of the environment moved to the side as though it was pushed.

It's most definitely some form of spatial magic.

Is that why you brought that one into the group?

[Clearly ignored] And unfortunately, that's not all.

Great. Cool. Thanks.

One of the other powers this caster seems to have is the ability to summon these large, foreign runes. They're enormous, solid black glpyhs that appear to be embedded into the sand and water. Tempest has been completely unable to identify them or what they could mean. There's over two dozen different shapes. They don't seem to do anything, but having such a high level of conjuration could still spell danger.

If they are conjurations...they should have dissipated several hours after they were made.

Well, that's part of the problem. They haven't. It's been over a week in some cases, and the glyphs are still there.

[Sigh]

We do know a couple of things. The first is that it seems like this individual is looking for something. They've spent a good portion of time terraforming the beachfront in very specific, organized rows.

[Dramatically] The other part we know is that this caster is calling themself "The Keyboard Warrior".

{Elongated pause}

What the hell is a keyboard?

I have...no idea!

They're a spellcaster calling themselves a warrior?

Apparently! Maybe we'll get lucky and they're incredibly stupid. There will be plenty more opportunities to discuss this after we get there. 

Starling-

-Nightshade.

-be a gem and bring the supply bags over here please. Just a pile here on the floor next to Wallcaster, if you would.

<Grumbling, muttering, frustration>

{Footsteps of Starling scurrying off}

While she's out...

Wallcaster. Zebby. The reason I need you here is for firepower. You're our main offensive units here. Please be ready to use it.

{Wallcaster inquires}

I figured you'd ask eventually. So. This needs to sort of stay between the three of us here. If you don't...well, Vernon's always smash-happy when it comes to those memory crystals. Or Zebby can put a hole in you.

Strongly urging you to not keep calling me that.

I might have really really strong magic, including having studied it for a very long time, but...

There is...one problem.

I can't use offensive magic. Period. Any magic I use can't cause harm to others. Not even so much as a scratch.

It was a part of a curse I got forever ago. A lot of spells will outright fail, or some just won't work properly.

Given what I already specialized in, expanding my defensive or pacification skills to their fullest extent isn't that surprising.

But, that said, when we have threats of unknown origin...well, you can only guard or counter so many things, but not get close to stopping them from slinging their little hearts out.

For example...

Starling out there wasn't much of a challenge due to her inexperience, but if I had to go up against her mother...well, it really wouldn't go great.

So I need you guys to pick up the slack. Please. Thanks. So on, so forth.

Don't tell Starling, if you could. Fun as she is to tease...I don't need any terrible ideas influencing her. She's a good person in that tangle of poison, somewhere. Gotta stamp out the whole villain thing somehow. 

[Chuckle] She also just might not take the whole "pushover" thing well.

<Heavy dragging of bags; continue until indicated>

<Sighing/Struggling; the bags are heavy>

This would have been easier if there wasn't so much stuff!

And who's fault is that? 

Yours, asshole!

Oh. Right.

Well, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me one of these days. 

You can set them right here on this carpet.

<All the bags are dropped to the ground with a thud; stop moving them>

This better be good, bird. I'm tired of hauling around supplies and your entire wardrobe.

It's all for the sake of the world, or something along those lines. Think a little more altruistically for once!

You are certainly one to talk.

[Sigh]

If we get this done quickly, maybe we each can celebrate by taking a free swing at Vernon. Deal?

[With absolutely zero hesitation; simultaneously]

Deal.

Deal.

Okay! It's time to set off. 

Right now? It is almost nightfall. No reasonable captain would sail us during such darkness.

We won't be needing one. Everybody pack in onto this carpet, please. Steel yourselves, my predator birds! We're off to slay a warrior!

<Footsteps as Starling and Zebadiah get close; the former is in heels and the latter has hooves>

Wallcaster...if you could.

{Silence; nothing happens}

I...should maybe have specified. Please surround us with those splendid walls of yours. All six sides.

{Pause for Wallcaster inquiry}

Yes, I'm sure. Ye of little faith...

<Six magic walls are formed, one at a time. Can do some fun panning stuff here. They are vaguely glass-like, if that helps.>

I'm going to teleport us there. 

T-teleport? That's impossible. Moving four people and this much equipment is unheard of. That level of spatial magic is too unreliable.

That's why we have lovely little Wallcaster to help out. 

[Booming, spellcasting voice] Greater Teleportation.

<Six teleportation circles form; one or two at a time; some form of magical "charging">

These lovely walls should— in theory—bounce the whole spell back in on itself, making a splendid little feedback loop to take the entire contents of this cube where we need to go. I'm about 80% sure on this.

[Through gritted teeth] What do you mean by "eighty percent". What happens if this fails?

Well, either we don't get where we want to go, we get cloned six ways across all of the universe, or the vacuum of space left behind creates some kind of world-ending implosion. But...I'm sure it will be fine.

{In unison, extremely stressed}

WHAT??

WHAT??

<In a flash, the entire group teleports away>

END.