Petra's Bar and Grill

<Optional bar ambiance throughout entire script, relatively busy>

<Door open>

Well, well, well...if it ain't my favorite hollow leg. How's it going, Pips?

Don't just stand there like a coathanger, move! Your special reserved stool awaits you.

<Listener takes a seat>

The royal upon their mighty throne. How noble.

Shall the nobility take their normal drink?

Sounds great, Pips. A double grapefruit mojito is on its way.

<Cocktail sounds; Mojitos are usually stirred—not shaken. Lots of ice/liquid pouring>

With how late you got in here tonight, I almost called a search party.

{Pause; listener answer}

Caught working late. Again? Pips, that promotion you're convinced you're getting isn't going to be any nearer if you burn out.

{Pause; listener answer}

Won't know if you don't try. When did you swallow that book of inspirational quotes?

Pssh. Anyways. It's finally good to have somebody on my side back in this place. 

Had another weirdo in here again. Pretty much the same as the last three. Scrawny teenage boy with a mission to pick up...ugh. I hate even saying it. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Yeah. [Extremely mean mocking tone of voice] "I need me a big snake mommy to set things right" or some bullshit like that. Unbelievably gross behavior. 

I mean really, who raises their kids to say stuff like that? Especially to somebody that's just trying to do their job!

I'm thick-scaled. You gotta be in an industry like this, y'know? Ask anybody who's served you here and I bet you a shot that somebody here has drunkenly hit on them this week.

But this...? This feels totally different. They're not patrons, they're not people that are socializing...they're not even drinking most the time! They're going out of their way to come into my bar and hit on me. Fucking gross!

They're only going after Lamia, too. We have enough discrimination as it is! Employment opportunities, space allocations, government restrictions...now we have to deal with teenage boys? Terrible!

I don't know what it was about today, either, but none of the usual regulars have really been here. It's been kind of lonely up here.

Holy cow, I blinked and your drink was gone. You devoured that thing.

I'll assume you want another?

{Pause}

You want to switch it up? That is so not like you.

You want...two tequila sunsets. Well aren't you subtle, Pips. Ordering my favorite like that...

I look like I need one? Am I losing my edge? 

{Silence; staring contest}

Ugh. Fine. You win. I'll let you buy me a drink. Once.

["Tough" facade wavering] Thanks for thinking about me, Pips.

<More cocktail noises; just needs ice and pouring>

Seems a bit sweeter than your regular tastes. But you always do seem to surprise me...

Anyway, the amount of desperate losers has been kind of suspicious. It was just sitting with me weird, you know?

I asked Francis to look into it. You know how I am about the internet, right? Total lost cause.

Apparently, he might have found what might be causing stuff like this to happen.

He found that there's this whole huge thing on YouTube right now where people are reading audio dramas. They're sort of like character roleplays, apparently. The way he put it, it was like everyone and their mother is on this audio drama kick. It's huge!

He showed me a lot of it. There does seem to be some really cool stuff. People are putting crazy effort into these things! One of them was like a whole movie about making perfume from scratch. Another was a fantasy-style story about magic casters with all these crazy spells. Something with sound magic and necromancy?

Honestly, the creativity of these people is off the charts! I guess it sort of helps people still engage with books and written work in a different way.

But, as is the case with all good things...there's also. Um. Weird things?

Look, everybody has their interests or whatever.

I guess a lot of these people make these sorts of boyfriend or girlfriend stories, where the other person is pretending to be your mate. Super parasocial, super weird. But I guess it has some sort of appeal, because Francis said it's like one of the most popular types of this sort of thing.

He called it some kind of name. Uhh...hrm. I kind of didn't commit it to memory. I think it was something like...uhhh...

Ass-meer? {Intentionally say ASMR as one word and very incorrectly}

You have any idea what I'm talking about?

{Pause for listener answer; they don't}

No? Oh well. Tough dice.

Anyway, one of the really popular things in these audio drama assmirrs is cross species relationships. Whoop de doo. 

So much nuance, so much depth...completely squandered to be just borderline fetishization. It's awful. It's never just something nice about being with a Lamia, no. It's gotta be about obsessive coiling and domination. Never about having a loving partner, but all about becoming some kind of venom junkie or perpetuating the myth of being hypnotic.

Is that really what they think of us? That we're all just a race of controlling snake women that show affection through violence?

{Pause; listener assures it can't be that bad}

Thanks Pips. I hope you're right.

I can't wrap my head around it. Maybe I'm just not the right demographic for this sort of thing. I just turned 45 last month! It definitely seems like relationship LARPing is meant for a substantially younger crowd.

If they were really so desperate to meet up with women, you'd think they could start by actually talking to women. Maybe go to spots to talk to new people. Like bars. It's hard enough getting people in the door, but maybe if they stopped calling the bartender weird shit they could actually have the chance to meet somebody worth a damn. Preferably somebody who will...well I've never been partial to saying "fix"ing behavior. Somebody who will course correct their prior endeavors.

Like, is somebody talking to you in an isolated video on the internet really being a substitute to a real relationship for these people? Do they know it's not real? Do they even care?

[Sigh]

I think maybe I've looked into this too much. Opened up a pandora's box of worms that's just going to continue to piss me off the more I dig deeper. 

What can I do to really stop this from happening? It's those awful boys that are the problem. Do I really need a bouncer for a dive bar? That would set a terrible tone for the rest of the place, I think.

You got any bright ideas, Pips?

{Pause for response}

Yeah, guess that was a lot to take in. My bad. If you do have any world-shaking revelations later down the line, though, I want to hear 'em. You've always been good about stuff like that.

{Pause for response}

Oh don't even begin to give me that crap. You are a very smart person. Your entire job is basically just being the czar of solving problems. You've even fixed a few here over the years. 

I just...

It's hard, y'know? I wanted this to be a safe spot for us hybrids to work. Fought like hell to get the licenses and training sessions completed. I want my staff to be safe here. Just sucks that more people are undermining that vision.

[Sigh]

Makes me appreciate all the people like you, Pips. The years pass smoother with folks like you around.

{Pause for listener inquiry}

Another round of tequila sunsets? Hrm...maybe next time, hun. I still have the whole bar to run, y'know. We close at 2:00 again.

{Listener jokes}

Just because I can make the hours go by faster doesn't mean I should you louse! Honestly! What a terrible influence you are.

I'll still make one for you though. I probably ought to get back to other patrons here soon. 

[Clearly joking] I expect you to beat up anybody else that makes a pass at me tonight, so stay steady on both your feet, okay?

[Light laugh] Have a great night, Pips.

<Fade out>

END.